Letters to the Editor: “Insider”

Our reader wants secret knowledge. We show him the way.
LettersMay 2, 2019

Hi, Frank,

Thanks for writing in (again).

Let’s get right to it. By definition, an insider is “…a person within a group or organization, especially someone privy to information unavailable to others.”

The websites you follow are all public and Google-able.

Therefore, you are clearly not an “insider”, and by process of elimination, you then have to be a fool?

Please stop thinking yourself an “insider” by any measure; You just like surfing the Internet into the wee hours, and as for these stupid websites, they just have stupid and meaningless website names! God knows why people call their website “insider.com”, yet make it open to every damn person on the Internet. It’s a cringey, moronic marketing word that means almost nothing in 2019. We wish everyone would stop using it. we’re not all that gullible.

As for your new annoying smirk, I think you better have a doctor look at that. It may be a prelude to a stroke!!!

Fire Access Panel or portal to the Illuminati?

But you’re a bright guy, so here is our top tip on how to be… an actual insider. (And imagine here that we are talking to you in a whisper, okay?)

Here it is… to truly be an “insider”, you need to join the Illuminati. You know, the secret organization that rules the world and leave clues of its existence by the scattering of triangle symbols everywhere? If you don’t know, first watch all the National Treasure movies, which star Nicholas Cage. They are based on 100% absolutely true facts. Shhhhhh!

After watching National Treasure, you will now realise that the Illuminati are found in buildings with secret triangular symbols on their facades. Truly insider stuff. Look up, look around. In Singapore, you will find these symbols appearing on special windows. And if you want “in”, you’ll need to take a ladder, climb up with a hammer, smash that window, jump in and shout: “ I am here to be an ‘insider’, where is the fucking goat?”

And as the police drag you away, remember that they are locking you up because you know the most insider-y of insider truths. So don’t forget to shout “Illuminati confirmed!” as you manifest your destiny to become a man “on the inside”.

Don’t worry, “they” will then be in touch with you shortly with a PDF application form.

God speed,
Your friends at Junk

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